Betrayal of The Mind and Body
by kmc995
Summary: The feeling of betrayal was a harsh one. Alec's been trying to hold the feeling at bay, give the benefit of the doubt, but the tendrils were slowly but surely finding their way past the defenses he'd spent years building. Alec deals with his world crashing down around him whilst trying to hide both mental and physical pain. A piggyback of sorts off of Shadowhunters Ep.10
So I originally got inspired to write something after watching the new Shadowhunters television show on Freeform - it just took me this long to actually get around to it. I've read all the books and I must say, even though the TV show is quite different, it retains the same bones as the books. It immediately got me into the Shadowhunter world again.

I wrote this mostly pertaining to the Television show, but I figure it's similar enough to the book series.

This is unedited, and I didn't really pay close attention to specific details so forgive any continuity errors there may be. I'll just plead Creative Freedom. Also, be gentle to me - this is literally the 1st thing I've written in maybe 2 years? Sad, right?

 **Disclaimer: I DO NOT own the Shadowhunter characters - they belong to either Cassandra Clare or Freeform.**

* * *

The Institute felt smaller than it ever had before. The constant plot twists in his life are making what little hold he has on reality tremor dangerously. He doesn't know how many more surprises he can handle – a cause for concern, considering the collected and pragmatic attitude he's reputed to have. Pretty soon, that reality will collapse and he's not so sure he'll be able to handle it when the time comes.

He shut the door behind him slowly, hesitant to leave his sister's side in the current situation she's in. Raj was waiting for him when he came out. With a listless tilt of his head, Alec Lightwood walked past him and started down the long hallway. The heels of his black boots clacked faintly against the polished hardwood floor. Despite the familiar commotion around him, Alec felt like a stranger standing amidst foreigners. Everyone he thought he knew, all the people he grew up with and fought side-by-side with? Turns out they're nothing more than faceless hypocrites who deceived him into thinking they cared. Every corner he turns is another familiar imposter walking by. Every voice he hears nothing more than a monotonous ramble.

The feeling of betrayal was a harsh one. Alec's been trying to hold the feeling at bay, give the benefit of the doubt, but the tendrils were slowly but surely finding their way past the defenses he'd spent years building. And it hurt. It stung. More than he'd ever imagined it would, actually. It was a different kind of pain than the pain a blade could give him. More mentally painful than physically, though sometimes he swears his chest aches. His heart feels raw and heavy, his mind clouded with a resonating anger. He'd never experienced betrayal before. Not like this, anyway. The betrayal he'd felt when Isabelle told their mother about the stray cat he'd tried to adopt, the betrayal he'd felt when Jace stayed the night in one of the visiting shadowhunter's rooms a few months back – they were not betrayal at all. Not in the true sense.

Yet, Alec realized that betrayal isn't always instantaneous. It could start one day and drag on for years before it finds the light of day. Everything may be in shambles, but maybe it always has been. His parents for instance – former Circle members – were in Idris to be questioned. Isabelle was on trial for treason, running the risk of banishment and rune removal. Jace was angel-knows-where – probably with Clary congratulating themselves on a job well done in not only stealing from him, but removing the only bargaining chip he had to free Izzy.

Alec clenched his teeth, his steps unintentionally gaining weight each time he took one. Izzy had told him about how they had managed to open the vault. Although a little puzzling seeing as they barely knew each other, Alec felt a pang in his chest at Magnus' involvement.

His thoughts were interrupted when the hallway opened into a room bustling with activity. The computer screens showed various maps and he noticed Lydia Branwell studying one, her long blonde hair up in its usual do. She looked stressed, her shoulders tense. He thought about her fiancé. She wasn't a bad person, just someone with an unfortunate past.

Gingerly gripping his still aching bicep, Alec strategically made his way towards the exit, trying to call as little attention to himself as possible. A difficult feat, seeing as he was six feet tall, but the fact that everyone wore black worked in his favor. He paused as he skirted by the weapons rack, glancing towards the row of sleek, deadly looking bow and arrow sets neatly placed at waist level. He was tempted to snag one, but surely someone would notice. He didn't really need one where he was going anyways and he really didn't need people asking questions. With his mind made up, Alec ignored the weapons, quickly checking his jacket pocket for his stele before he made a hasty exit.

-o-O-o-O-o-

The fresh air was like a soothing drink of water as he took a deep breath. It was about four hours past noon, so the sun was still pretty high in the sky. The sun rays beat down on Alec's dark brown clad shoulders, providing a welcoming warmth and a pleasant remedy for his aching body. Even after the countless _iratze_ runes he'd activated, the cut in his arm was still giving him problems despite there no longer being any evidence of one. Though Hodge had found no trace of demon poison in the wound, it felt like the pain was spreading. _It's probably just stress_ , Alec thought to himself. Or it could be due to the constant strain he's been putting on his body, what with his fight with Jace and the tracking ordeal. Regardless, he couldn't afford _not_ to just suck it up.

An hour or so of aimlessly walking around the streets of New York City, Alec found himself sitting in an old maple tree relatively deep in the forest. Dark and quiet, it was a place he often found solace – he'd been coming here since before Max was born. The isolation from the rest of the world was comforting. He didn't need to stand tall and had no need for what other people liked to call his 'leader-expression.'

Closing his eyes, Alec let out a long breath. His brow was covered in a thin layer of sweat thanks to the effort it took climbing. He had to physically still his hand as it shook with discomfort. He ignored it, forcing himself to relax.

Not five minutes went by when a familiar jingle ripped through the silence.

 _Ring...Ring…Ring…_

"Ughhhhhh…," Alec groaned, annoyance flooding his mind. He struggled to get his phone out of his jeans pocket, wanting the unwelcome intrusion to disappear. When he saw the name on the caller ID, he braced himself.

"Yeah?" he answered, perhaps a little curter than he'd intended.

" _Where are you?_ " Lydia's hard voice echoed through the speaker. She sounded displeased and perhaps a little worried, which slightly irritated him.

"Out. I needed some fresh air."

" _Out? Alec, you can't just go_ out _. Or did you forget the state of things right now?_ "

"I didn't forget, I just needed time to think," Alec sighed, his tone a little less aggressive than it was before. "I'll be fine, Lydia."

There was a pregnant pause, unintelligible background noise could be heard from the other end of the line. " _Is this still about Isabelle?_ " Lydia finally responded.

Now it was Alec's turn to pause. "No—yes…I don't know. It's everything." He didn't even know where to begin.

" _You know I had no choice, Alec,_ " she began, trying to explain her reasoning once again, " _the Clave—_ "

"I know, I know!" Alec cut her off. 'Rule with our brains, not our hearts,' that's what they'd agreed upon. But this was a bit more personal than the whole Meliorn issue. Then again, Izzy should have just let it be. Couldn't she see that Alec was only doing what was best? Didn't anyone trust him? The whole situation was aggravating as hell, rogue thoughts running around his head with lightning speed. "I'll be back soon."

" _Alec—_ " He pressed end before she could finish. This was not a conversation he wanted to have in a tree over the goddamned phone.

Frustration prickled at the back of his eyes as he put his cell on silent. Just as he did, however, he noticed his phone go off again – no ring accompanied the call this time. He expected it to be Lydia, but to his surprise it wasn't. It was Jace. He was not in the mood to talk to his Parabatai. He debated on pressing ignore, but his curiosity led him to wait. He wanted to see if he'd leave a voicemail.

Against his will, he felt a little thrill when the notification for new voicemail finally popped up. Whether it was because he had purposely ignored Jace's call for once or because Jace had actually left a message, he wasn't entirely sure. He waited a few moments just to be safe before he dialed his inbox.

Jace's voice came through the phone. It was quiet and although he doubted that anyone else would notice, he could tell it was a bit shaky. Maybe even slightly panicked.

" _Alec. Alec call me back if you get this. Please. I need to know if you're okay…my Parabatai rune…are you hurt? It's so weak now_ —"

There was a long pause accompanied by a sharp intake of breath. Is _he_ hurt?

" _I…call me back._ "

 _Click_. And the message ended.

Alec suddenly felt extremely guilty, though he really tried not to be. He gripped his still-raw side, rubbing the bonding rune that both he and Jace shared. The memory of the whole Parabatai tracking trial made him wince; surely Jace had felt what he felt? He didn't know that it would travel to both ends… Another worry to add to the ever growing list. Alec swallowed hard as he focused on the link. It was still faint, extremely weak. He felt as if it would snap if he so much as coughed. A rather large part of him wondered if it would be gone next time he woke up.

What he found most irksome of all was the fact that it was all for nothing. Absolutely nothing. Jace is still AWOL, and he has a feeling that even if he were to call him back and ask, he still would not disclose his location. Because he was the enemy now. _Clary_ was all that mattered now. Not his family.

Against his better judgement, Alec decided to wait on calling Jace back. Let him wallow a bit with his thoughts. If he really cared that much, then he could come back and see for himself if his Parabatai was okay.

-o-O-o-O-o-

As he'd expected, Alec was practically ambushed as soon as he walked through the door. Lydia grabbed his arm and pulled him to the side, her grip firm for such small hands. Alec resisted the urge to flinch when his arm throbbed once again.

"Alec, before you say anything you need to know—" Alec suddenly stopped listening as he caught a flash of fiery red hair.

He'd expected Lydia. What he hadn't expected was to see Clary.

"Alec!" Clary rushed over. She was wearing a brown jacket that almost looked red when the light hit it in a certain way. It rested over a simple black tank that highlighted just how small she was. The chain around her neck – he recognized it as part of the necklace he'd placed in the vault, only now it was devoid of the portal shard.

Lydia – most likely having wanted to warn Alec _before_ he noticed the guests – exhaled in discontent and moved out of Alec's line of sight. It was then that he also saw Magnus, in all his sparkled glory. _Great_ , he thought. All the people responsible for his inner struggles.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked, not to kindly. It was a question mainly targeted towards Clary, though he couldn't help but share a glance with the Warlock. "Where's Jace?" Where Clary was, Jace couldn't be far behind.

"He's in the infirmary."

"What?" Alec exclaimed, his blue eyes trained on the red head. What did she get him into?

"He's fine, don't worry," a soft voice replied, forcing Alec to drag his accusing stare away from Clary and over to Magnus. "It was just a little Demon venom. Nothing I couldn't handle." He smiled, wiggling his fingers with a flourish. Alec didn't smile back.

"What happened?" he demanded of Clary instead. "And where the hell have you been?"

She looked slightly taken aback by the intensity of his stare. "It's…complicated."

Alec scoffed. "Oh yeah? Complicated like the time you stole the cup? How about like when your stupid rescue mission put Izzy in jail? Hm?" He started ticking off fingers. "Or maybe when—"

"Enough!" Clary yelled. Her eyes were angry but Alec found it hard to take her seriously. "Don't blame this on me! I told you before – you were taking things way too far. You're just too damn stubborn to see it, Alec!"

" _I'm_ taking things too far?" He growled, hand on his chest. "I'm just following the law – trying to keep everyone _safe_. _You're_ the one taking things too far – just look where we are now! Jace is poisoned and Izzy's in jail. She could be exiled!" Clary stepped back as Alec stepped forward, stabbing a finger in her direction. "Everything was fine until you came along! You've been a Shadowhunter for what? A week? You messed with everyone's heads. You don't care about the Shadowhunters, all you care about is yourself and your goddamned mother."

Silence filled the small circle of people as Alec caught his breath. All the crap he'd been feeling up 'til now, he finally allowed himself to express some of it. Not all of it, but enough to keep him sane for another night. It felt like some of the weight was lifted off his back. Clary, on the other hand, looked like she had more to say but couldn't find a way to start. A small victory in Alec's eyes.

"That's not true." She finally stated. Another silence.

"Alec," Magnus spoke, trying to diffuse the tension, "how about I take you to the Infirmary?"

An unexplainably deep Ire flared up in Alec at this request. Magnus wasn't innocent in this. "I can find my own way," he snapped, noting the shocked expression that transformed the Warlock's usually unruffled facade. Alec wondered if he imagined the underlying sadness.

Without another word, Alec walked away. The other Shadowhunters quickly pretended to look busy, as if they hadn't just witnessed the yelling match that had happened a few feet from them. He pointedly ignored them all and made his way towards the health wing of the Institute.

His arm was killing him now. He hadn't really noticed when he'd been jerking it around during his mini tirade, but it hit him now full force. The throbbing pulsed throughout his entire left side like a heartbeat and it seemed his breath still hadn't caught up with him. Cradling his arm, he stopped outside the Infirmary. Was he really up to seeing Jace right now? Physically, he was drained. Mentally, even more so.

He rested his forehead against the cool wood of the door. He couldn't discern any movement inside the room, which probably meant Jace was resting. There'd be no point in visiting now anyways.

 _Tomorrow_ , Alec reasoned. Blinking away fatigue, he sluggishly lifted his head and escaped to his room. Thankfully, he met no one on the short journey. By the time he closed his door behind him, he felt as if he would pass out. It took more time than usual to remove his jacket and shirt, but once he did he immediately collapsed on his bed, not bothering with the grey comforter that lay beneath his body. With one more _iratze_ , Alec relaxed at the temporary relief it brought and took advantage of it by promptly falling asleep.

* * *

I have more planed for this - let me know if you'd be interested and I'd be happy to continue this story. :)


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